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ffuturesThis is a crossover between the Harry Potter books, the Buffy The Vampire Slayer TV series, and the film Bedazzled (1967, not the 2000 remake). Some other crossovers and easter eggs are likely. All characters belong to their respective creators / owners / megacorporations of doom and not to me, please don't sue...
III - Try not to think about Voldemort
Harry finished a sandwich and said "If you created mum and her family, it means I should blame you for a lot of the things that are wrong in my life. Not mum or dad, they died to save me, but my aunt is a horrible person, so is everyone else in her family."
Lucifer shrugged. "I didn't do it deliberately, wishes like that set things up automatically. But like attracts like; it's possible that they were formed from anthropomorphic personifications too. Anyone especially vain?"
"Not as such, but my aunt is incredibly house-proud."
"There you go then, the sin of vanity. Any of them often angry?"
"My uncle, my aunt, Uncle Vernon's sister... pretty much all of them. Rage?"
"Probably. How about greed?"
"Definitely. My cousin and uncle are both massively overweight. And Uncle Vernon is a skinflint, until I went to Hogwarts I spent most of my time wearing horrible old castoff clothing."
"Sloth?"
"I've never seen Vernon exercise in his life, he's a heart attack waiting to happen. Dudley is a little better, mostly because of chasing me around."
"I think we can skip the rest. But there's not much we can do about it now, short of undoing the whole wish. Even if they never previously existed, they've been real people since seventy-one and probably a few years before that. I can't just go there and tell them to be nice, it really doesn't work like that."
"Fine. Okay, so we can't change the way things are, what about the bloody tournament?"
"What about it? You've done well so far, what makes you think you'll have problems tomorrow?"
"Do try to pay attention," said Halfreck. "Everything points to someone setting him up for something. It might be a simple assassination attempt, but it seems needlessly complicated for that."
"Pretty much," said Harry. "It's got to be something that helps Voldemort in some way."
Lucifer steepled his fingers. "So what does Voldemort want from life."
"Life, to start with, he's spent most of the last fourteen years as a disembodied spirit or possessing people. Power, I suppose, he wants to rule Magical Britain, probably the world eventually. Revenge, definitely."
"Maybe he plans to possess Harry," said Halfreck.
"That just postpones things," said Lucifer, "possession the way those idiots do it would kill Harry fairly quickly, after that he'd have to find someone else to possess."
Harry swallowed part of his sandwich the wrong way, coughed until his throat was clear, and said "I hope that isn't it. I really don't want to walk around with Voldemort's face growing out of the back of my head."
"It might be a distraction plan," said Halfreck. "Half of the wizard's government will be at Hogwarts to watch the contest, perhaps he wants to stage a coup while they're all busy."
"On its own that doesn't give him everything he wants," said Lucifer. "He'd still be dead, which would make ruling the country a bit difficult. Do we have any way of finding out what he's up to?"
"Sometimes I get visions of him," Harry said eventually. "Usually when he's torturing someone or something."
"Often?"
"Not really. A few times since the tournament began, less often before that."
"Do you mind if I take a look?"
"Pardon?"
"A look at your memories," said Lucifer, with an attitude that suggested he was humouring a particularly slow student.
"Can you do that?"
"I know most people's secret desires when I meet them. Admittedly they're mostly pretty bloody boring, but I couldn't do that without being able to look into their minds."
"Is it painful?" asked Harry.
"Do you want it to be?"
"Not for me... though I wouldn't complain if Voldemort got a headache or his brain exploded."
"Doesn't work like that. We're stopped in time at the moment, we can try to look at his memories if your minds are linked in some way, but they'll end at the moment you arrived here, and we can't affect him in any way. The good thing about that is that he won't be able to tell we're looking."
"It's worth a shot."
Lucifer grinned. "Halfreck, do you want to join us?"
"Naturally. I might spot something you miss."
"Right then. Harry, Halfreck, hold my hands and shut your eyes. Harry, just relax and try not to think about Voldemort."
"Try not to think about him?"
"Fastest way to make sure that you do. Now, what is the tosser up to..?"
Weird images flashed across Harry's mind, visions of a cauldron, a godlike figure rising from a glowing pool, Death Eaters dancing attendance on hum. Harry trussed up, helpless and bleeding. Endless malice. Harry fell into a maelstrom of pain.
Harry woke, lying on his back and feeling something cool on his forehead. He cautiously opened an eye, and saw Lillian dabbing his forehead with a damp cloth. He was lying in a four-poster bed wearing pyjamas he'd never seen before. She was wearing the same dress, the top buttons open and revealing a lacy red bra, kneeling on the bed to tend to him. He tried not to look up her skirt. Even knowing who she was, he still felt aroused and ashamed.
"Are you feeling... better, Harry?"
"I think so. What happened?"
"All I know is, you were suddenly really ill. I had to take off all your clothes... to clean you."
"I'm sorry."
"I'm always pleased to help with... embarrassing problems."
A door opened in the outer room, and Halfreck pulled open the bed's curtains. "Sorry about that. Run along, Lillian, I'll take care of things."
Lillian pouted, said "Later... Harry," and swung around and off the bed, giving Harry a quick flash of red panties as she turned, and strutted out of the room.
Harry glanced down, making sure that nothing too embarrassing was visible, and quickly raised the blankets to cover his lower body. He could feel himself blushing.
Halfreck grinned. "Don't worry, I'm not easy to shock. She's the physical personification of lust, I'd be amazed if you didn't react to her. Or him, if that had been the way you swung."
Harry tried to think of a way to change the subject. "Any idea what they've done with my clothes?"
"They're on the chair. Don't worry, they're clean now."
"How bad was it?"
"Mostly vomit."
"Mostly?"
"A little urine, and some blood from your scar. I'll wait outside, get your clothes on and we'll go compare notes with Lucifer."
"Riddle is some sort of homunculus," said Lucifer. "He's being looked after by a little man who can turn into a rat..."
Harry nodded. "Peter Pettigrew. He betrayed my parents."
"There's at least one other person involved but Voldemort didn't think of his name, and a big snake which I think is Riddle's familiar. Pettigrew has been buying potion ingredients like they're going out of fashion, some to keep the homunculus from falling apart, but mostly for a big ritual to bring Riddle back to life. I'm fairly sure that Riddle is thinking of your blood as one of the ingredients. But the bugger must be seriously paranoid, he keeps strong mental defences up all the time, I wasn't able to get anything more specific."
Halfreck said "Okay, I mostly got the same impressions, but I got a little more on their surroundings. Looks like an old country mansion, really run down, and a couple of times Riddle thought of a graveyard, and a grave-stone with his own name on it. They're doing something to stop me from knowing the location, probably a fidelius spell or something of the sort. All I know is that it's somewhere north of London, could be a couple of hundred miles. I might be able to get more if I got closer, but any time any of us spends outside this building is gone for good, you won't get it back."
Harry thought about it. "So they need my blood... could I escape it by not taking part, just forfeit the last Task and keep myself safe so that they can't make me bleed."
Lucifer shook his head. "No. There really is a spell binding you to the competition, feels like it'd do you a lot of harm. Take your magic, maybe even kill you."
"You don't sound very worried about it."
"Do I have to remind you who I am?" There was a dangerous gleam in Lucifer's eyes. "You seem okay, as humans go, but with very few exceptions all of the millions of humans I've known over the centuries are dead. It probably won't make a huge difference to me when you're one of them, whether it's tomorrow or a couple of hundred years from now."
"You're scaring him," said Halfreck. "It really doesn't help."
"Sorry... I do try to be a nicer person, but the trouble is that I'm not. Not nice, and not a person. Started out as an archangel, which means I was around long before upstairs even thought of humanity, asking me to play favourites between Harry and Voldemort is like asking a human to pick between two ants."
"Oh thanks," said Harry, "that's really what I need to hear right now."
Lucifer smiled. "That's better, a little sarcasm in the face of infinity. Believe it or not I do appreciate that, it's pretty much how I freed myself from an eternity of kissing heavenly arse. Your pal Voldemort really likes brown-nosers, which inclines me more towards helping you."
"I'm sorry - I know you're helping me, I'm just really angry that I was forced into this mess, it isn't helping me keep calm."
Halfreck nodded. "Calmness won't get you through this thing on its own. It may be that being furious and bloody-minded will serve you a lot better. One thing to bear in mind though - I'm on your side in this. I despise child abusers, and even without a wish I'll do whatever I can to help you get through all this. Does that help at all?"
"I think so."
"Lovely," said Lucifer, "we can certainly use that. Halfreck, do you think you can tag along with him in the task without being noticed?"
Halfreck thought for a second. "They're bound to have magical defences on the task to prevent cheating. Maybe I could knock out the French girl and take her place..."
Harry shook his head. "No. She'd lose her magic, and I've heard that's even worse for a Veela than a normal witch, I'm pretty sure it would kill her."
"So that's a deal-breaker?"
"Definitely. If you can think of any other way to come along that'd be OK, but I'm not getting anyone killed or hurt to make it possible."
"You're too bloody noble for your own good," said Lucifer. "Let's see, what can I do? I can definitely make you stronger and faster within human limits, that's easy, but if I go too far your reflexes and coordination would be off, no good being fast and strong if you keep tripping over your own feet. And I think people might notice if you suddenly looked like a body-builder."
"Definitely not," said Halfreck, "they'd probably test him for magic and potions, maybe disqualify him from competing, and then his magic goes bye-bye. Keep it subtle, just a little boost to improve his reflexes and speed, maybe a little extra strength and stamina if we can stop it from being too obvious. We're in a time bubble here, he has some time to practice. More when he gets back to the school."
Lucifer checked his watch. "I think we can manage another eight hours or so, much longer than that and the time will be used up permanently, you'd be returning him to school late in the evening."
"I'm sure even a little improvement will help," said Harry, "but I still have no idea what to do about Voldemort. They've had most of a year to set things up, think of anything I can possibly do to escape. Pettigrew isn't so tough, but with him and Voldemort together, maybe other people helping them, I think I'll be in real trouble."
"It would be useful to know what the organizers do to prevent cheating. We might be able to work around that"
"I've no idea. They couldn't even stop me being entered, but there might be someone competent who'll spot anything really outrageous. Dumbledore probably, and Alastor Moody is paranoid about that sort of thing. I wish I...."
Lucifer clapped his hand over Harry's mouth. "There are two people here who can grant wishes, and Halfreck has to try if someone makes a wish in her presence, she doesn't get a choice about it. Do you really want to take a chance on a poorly-worded wish?"
"Sowwy!" Harry said indistinctly.
Lucifer cautiously drew his hand back, saying "Never do that again," and wiped it with a handkerchief.
"I'm sorry," Harry repeated. "I just thought that having one of you helping me would be like... like a guardian angel or something."
Lucifer sighed. "I take it that your school doesn't teach you much about religion. Do you seriously expect angels to be helpful? Rather than say blasting Voldemort and Pettigrew from existence, along with everyone and everything else in a couple of miles radius? Ever heard of Sodom and Gomorrah? Tunguska? Or Raiders of the Lost Ark?"
"Oh. Yeah, I saw that on Mrs. Figg's TV one time the Dursleys had her looking after me."
"Believe me, Indiana Jones and his girlfriend would have been very dead if they were that close to a bunch of angels. Small-scale smiting and subtlety really aren't in the angelic playbook."
Suddenly Harry felt an odd prickling sensation, like static electricity, and saw that the hairs on his arm were rising. Despite the warmth of the day he felt oddly cold.
"And of course they're nosy bastards who like to listen in on my conversations," Lucifer added. "You had to mention them, didn't you?"
A cloud was forming just below the ceiling, with little flashes of small scale lightning, and a funnel of swirling mist descended towards the floor, abruptly bursting into a column of flames. As it burned a booming voice said "Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God. Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God. Behold..."
"Yes we know," said Lucifer. "Would you mind not setting my office on fire? It's not like I haven't seen you do it before."
The flames suddenly condensed into a man in a dark casual suit, with slightly scruffy hair a little like Harry's own. Then Harry looked at the face below the hair, and said "Professor Snape?"
TBC
Notes: This version of the Metatron appears courtesy of Kevin Smith's Dogma (1999).
Comments please before I post to archives. For previous parts see:
On Twisting the Hellmouth - https://www.tthfanfic.org/Story-34251/MarcusRowland+Harry+Potter+Undazzled.htm
On Fanfiction.net - https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14336114/1/Harry-Potter-Undazzled
On Archive of Our Own - https://archiveofourown.org/works/54407350
III - Try not to think about Voldemort
Harry finished a sandwich and said "If you created mum and her family, it means I should blame you for a lot of the things that are wrong in my life. Not mum or dad, they died to save me, but my aunt is a horrible person, so is everyone else in her family."
Lucifer shrugged. "I didn't do it deliberately, wishes like that set things up automatically. But like attracts like; it's possible that they were formed from anthropomorphic personifications too. Anyone especially vain?"
"Not as such, but my aunt is incredibly house-proud."
"There you go then, the sin of vanity. Any of them often angry?"
"My uncle, my aunt, Uncle Vernon's sister... pretty much all of them. Rage?"
"Probably. How about greed?"
"Definitely. My cousin and uncle are both massively overweight. And Uncle Vernon is a skinflint, until I went to Hogwarts I spent most of my time wearing horrible old castoff clothing."
"Sloth?"
"I've never seen Vernon exercise in his life, he's a heart attack waiting to happen. Dudley is a little better, mostly because of chasing me around."
"I think we can skip the rest. But there's not much we can do about it now, short of undoing the whole wish. Even if they never previously existed, they've been real people since seventy-one and probably a few years before that. I can't just go there and tell them to be nice, it really doesn't work like that."
"Fine. Okay, so we can't change the way things are, what about the bloody tournament?"
"What about it? You've done well so far, what makes you think you'll have problems tomorrow?"
"Do try to pay attention," said Halfreck. "Everything points to someone setting him up for something. It might be a simple assassination attempt, but it seems needlessly complicated for that."
"Pretty much," said Harry. "It's got to be something that helps Voldemort in some way."
Lucifer steepled his fingers. "So what does Voldemort want from life."
"Life, to start with, he's spent most of the last fourteen years as a disembodied spirit or possessing people. Power, I suppose, he wants to rule Magical Britain, probably the world eventually. Revenge, definitely."
"Maybe he plans to possess Harry," said Halfreck.
"That just postpones things," said Lucifer, "possession the way those idiots do it would kill Harry fairly quickly, after that he'd have to find someone else to possess."
Harry swallowed part of his sandwich the wrong way, coughed until his throat was clear, and said "I hope that isn't it. I really don't want to walk around with Voldemort's face growing out of the back of my head."
"It might be a distraction plan," said Halfreck. "Half of the wizard's government will be at Hogwarts to watch the contest, perhaps he wants to stage a coup while they're all busy."
"On its own that doesn't give him everything he wants," said Lucifer. "He'd still be dead, which would make ruling the country a bit difficult. Do we have any way of finding out what he's up to?"
"Sometimes I get visions of him," Harry said eventually. "Usually when he's torturing someone or something."
"Often?"
"Not really. A few times since the tournament began, less often before that."
"Do you mind if I take a look?"
"Pardon?"
"A look at your memories," said Lucifer, with an attitude that suggested he was humouring a particularly slow student.
"Can you do that?"
"I know most people's secret desires when I meet them. Admittedly they're mostly pretty bloody boring, but I couldn't do that without being able to look into their minds."
"Is it painful?" asked Harry.
"Do you want it to be?"
"Not for me... though I wouldn't complain if Voldemort got a headache or his brain exploded."
"Doesn't work like that. We're stopped in time at the moment, we can try to look at his memories if your minds are linked in some way, but they'll end at the moment you arrived here, and we can't affect him in any way. The good thing about that is that he won't be able to tell we're looking."
"It's worth a shot."
Lucifer grinned. "Halfreck, do you want to join us?"
"Naturally. I might spot something you miss."
"Right then. Harry, Halfreck, hold my hands and shut your eyes. Harry, just relax and try not to think about Voldemort."
"Try not to think about him?"
"Fastest way to make sure that you do. Now, what is the tosser up to..?"
Weird images flashed across Harry's mind, visions of a cauldron, a godlike figure rising from a glowing pool, Death Eaters dancing attendance on hum. Harry trussed up, helpless and bleeding. Endless malice. Harry fell into a maelstrom of pain.
Harry woke, lying on his back and feeling something cool on his forehead. He cautiously opened an eye, and saw Lillian dabbing his forehead with a damp cloth. He was lying in a four-poster bed wearing pyjamas he'd never seen before. She was wearing the same dress, the top buttons open and revealing a lacy red bra, kneeling on the bed to tend to him. He tried not to look up her skirt. Even knowing who she was, he still felt aroused and ashamed.
"Are you feeling... better, Harry?"
"I think so. What happened?"
"All I know is, you were suddenly really ill. I had to take off all your clothes... to clean you."
"I'm sorry."
"I'm always pleased to help with... embarrassing problems."
A door opened in the outer room, and Halfreck pulled open the bed's curtains. "Sorry about that. Run along, Lillian, I'll take care of things."
Lillian pouted, said "Later... Harry," and swung around and off the bed, giving Harry a quick flash of red panties as she turned, and strutted out of the room.
Harry glanced down, making sure that nothing too embarrassing was visible, and quickly raised the blankets to cover his lower body. He could feel himself blushing.
Halfreck grinned. "Don't worry, I'm not easy to shock. She's the physical personification of lust, I'd be amazed if you didn't react to her. Or him, if that had been the way you swung."
Harry tried to think of a way to change the subject. "Any idea what they've done with my clothes?"
"They're on the chair. Don't worry, they're clean now."
"How bad was it?"
"Mostly vomit."
"Mostly?"
"A little urine, and some blood from your scar. I'll wait outside, get your clothes on and we'll go compare notes with Lucifer."
"Riddle is some sort of homunculus," said Lucifer. "He's being looked after by a little man who can turn into a rat..."
Harry nodded. "Peter Pettigrew. He betrayed my parents."
"There's at least one other person involved but Voldemort didn't think of his name, and a big snake which I think is Riddle's familiar. Pettigrew has been buying potion ingredients like they're going out of fashion, some to keep the homunculus from falling apart, but mostly for a big ritual to bring Riddle back to life. I'm fairly sure that Riddle is thinking of your blood as one of the ingredients. But the bugger must be seriously paranoid, he keeps strong mental defences up all the time, I wasn't able to get anything more specific."
Halfreck said "Okay, I mostly got the same impressions, but I got a little more on their surroundings. Looks like an old country mansion, really run down, and a couple of times Riddle thought of a graveyard, and a grave-stone with his own name on it. They're doing something to stop me from knowing the location, probably a fidelius spell or something of the sort. All I know is that it's somewhere north of London, could be a couple of hundred miles. I might be able to get more if I got closer, but any time any of us spends outside this building is gone for good, you won't get it back."
Harry thought about it. "So they need my blood... could I escape it by not taking part, just forfeit the last Task and keep myself safe so that they can't make me bleed."
Lucifer shook his head. "No. There really is a spell binding you to the competition, feels like it'd do you a lot of harm. Take your magic, maybe even kill you."
"You don't sound very worried about it."
"Do I have to remind you who I am?" There was a dangerous gleam in Lucifer's eyes. "You seem okay, as humans go, but with very few exceptions all of the millions of humans I've known over the centuries are dead. It probably won't make a huge difference to me when you're one of them, whether it's tomorrow or a couple of hundred years from now."
"You're scaring him," said Halfreck. "It really doesn't help."
"Sorry... I do try to be a nicer person, but the trouble is that I'm not. Not nice, and not a person. Started out as an archangel, which means I was around long before upstairs even thought of humanity, asking me to play favourites between Harry and Voldemort is like asking a human to pick between two ants."
"Oh thanks," said Harry, "that's really what I need to hear right now."
Lucifer smiled. "That's better, a little sarcasm in the face of infinity. Believe it or not I do appreciate that, it's pretty much how I freed myself from an eternity of kissing heavenly arse. Your pal Voldemort really likes brown-nosers, which inclines me more towards helping you."
"I'm sorry - I know you're helping me, I'm just really angry that I was forced into this mess, it isn't helping me keep calm."
Halfreck nodded. "Calmness won't get you through this thing on its own. It may be that being furious and bloody-minded will serve you a lot better. One thing to bear in mind though - I'm on your side in this. I despise child abusers, and even without a wish I'll do whatever I can to help you get through all this. Does that help at all?"
"I think so."
"Lovely," said Lucifer, "we can certainly use that. Halfreck, do you think you can tag along with him in the task without being noticed?"
Halfreck thought for a second. "They're bound to have magical defences on the task to prevent cheating. Maybe I could knock out the French girl and take her place..."
Harry shook his head. "No. She'd lose her magic, and I've heard that's even worse for a Veela than a normal witch, I'm pretty sure it would kill her."
"So that's a deal-breaker?"
"Definitely. If you can think of any other way to come along that'd be OK, but I'm not getting anyone killed or hurt to make it possible."
"You're too bloody noble for your own good," said Lucifer. "Let's see, what can I do? I can definitely make you stronger and faster within human limits, that's easy, but if I go too far your reflexes and coordination would be off, no good being fast and strong if you keep tripping over your own feet. And I think people might notice if you suddenly looked like a body-builder."
"Definitely not," said Halfreck, "they'd probably test him for magic and potions, maybe disqualify him from competing, and then his magic goes bye-bye. Keep it subtle, just a little boost to improve his reflexes and speed, maybe a little extra strength and stamina if we can stop it from being too obvious. We're in a time bubble here, he has some time to practice. More when he gets back to the school."
Lucifer checked his watch. "I think we can manage another eight hours or so, much longer than that and the time will be used up permanently, you'd be returning him to school late in the evening."
"I'm sure even a little improvement will help," said Harry, "but I still have no idea what to do about Voldemort. They've had most of a year to set things up, think of anything I can possibly do to escape. Pettigrew isn't so tough, but with him and Voldemort together, maybe other people helping them, I think I'll be in real trouble."
"It would be useful to know what the organizers do to prevent cheating. We might be able to work around that"
"I've no idea. They couldn't even stop me being entered, but there might be someone competent who'll spot anything really outrageous. Dumbledore probably, and Alastor Moody is paranoid about that sort of thing. I wish I...."
Lucifer clapped his hand over Harry's mouth. "There are two people here who can grant wishes, and Halfreck has to try if someone makes a wish in her presence, she doesn't get a choice about it. Do you really want to take a chance on a poorly-worded wish?"
"Sowwy!" Harry said indistinctly.
Lucifer cautiously drew his hand back, saying "Never do that again," and wiped it with a handkerchief.
"I'm sorry," Harry repeated. "I just thought that having one of you helping me would be like... like a guardian angel or something."
Lucifer sighed. "I take it that your school doesn't teach you much about religion. Do you seriously expect angels to be helpful? Rather than say blasting Voldemort and Pettigrew from existence, along with everyone and everything else in a couple of miles radius? Ever heard of Sodom and Gomorrah? Tunguska? Or Raiders of the Lost Ark?"
"Oh. Yeah, I saw that on Mrs. Figg's TV one time the Dursleys had her looking after me."
"Believe me, Indiana Jones and his girlfriend would have been very dead if they were that close to a bunch of angels. Small-scale smiting and subtlety really aren't in the angelic playbook."
Suddenly Harry felt an odd prickling sensation, like static electricity, and saw that the hairs on his arm were rising. Despite the warmth of the day he felt oddly cold.
"And of course they're nosy bastards who like to listen in on my conversations," Lucifer added. "You had to mention them, didn't you?"
A cloud was forming just below the ceiling, with little flashes of small scale lightning, and a funnel of swirling mist descended towards the floor, abruptly bursting into a column of flames. As it burned a booming voice said "Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God. Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God. Behold..."
"Yes we know," said Lucifer. "Would you mind not setting my office on fire? It's not like I haven't seen you do it before."
The flames suddenly condensed into a man in a dark casual suit, with slightly scruffy hair a little like Harry's own. Then Harry looked at the face below the hair, and said "Professor Snape?"
TBC
Notes: This version of the Metatron appears courtesy of Kevin Smith's Dogma (1999).
Comments please before I post to archives. For previous parts see:
On Twisting the Hellmouth - https://www.tthfanfic.org/Story-34251/MarcusRowland+Harry+Potter+Undazzled.htm
On Fanfiction.net - https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14336114/1/Harry-Potter-Undazzled
On Archive of Our Own - https://archiveofourown.org/works/54407350
