Drabble: Hiding Place

[ffutures]

Just a silly idea that crossed my mind - BtVS / Stephanie Plum

Now re-edited and posted: http://www.tthfanfic.com/story.php?no=5989

Hiding Place

By Marcus L. Rowland

"And this is why my cars blow up?"

"Afraid so," said Willow, "Didn't you notice he wasn't getting older?"

I stared at Rex. How old was he? Eight? Ten?

"Hamsters usually live about two years."

"I can't believe I never realised."

"Part of the spell," said Willow. "Once he's gone things should be more normal."

"Gone? I thought he was possessed."

"Nope. Haven't you read your Harry Potter? The guy who hides out as a rat?"

"He's a wizard?"

"Chaos mage. Disguised himself, couldn't turn back, amused himself wrecking your life." Willow picked up the cage. "Time to go, Ethan..."

---

Not 100% happy with it, any suggestions?

Comments

[empressvesica.livejournal.com]

Very nicely done.

The only place that read at all awkwardly to me were these two lines:

"Hamsters usually live about two years."

"I can't believe I never realised."

Um - I am trying to think how to explain why those lines aren't sitting right. With drabbles being so short and needing to be so tight, those two lines jump out as not containing much information. The second especially sort of feels like a throwaway line, but I am not terribly familiar with Stephanie Plum so...

If the bit about two years and the 'ugh - why didn't I notice that' were collapsed it might read smoother. Of course then you would have more words to add somewhere else which is a always a headache.

*shrugs* Or you could leave it as is. Anything with the idea of Ethan stuck as a rodent is hysterical.

[elementalv.livejournal.com]

Maybe it's just the word "realized." Perhaps "noticed" would give the exchange a better feel?

[elementalv.livejournal.com]

"Gone? I thought he was possessed."

The problem might be "Gone?" As it stands, she sounds surprised that Rex is going away, which sort of leaves an emotional dangler. My suggestion is to drop the word and rework the dialogue slightly:

"Are you sure he's not possessed?"

"I'm positive. Haven't you read your Harry Potter? The guy..."

As far as I can tell, that will keep your word count at 100.

[ffutures.livejournal.com]

Thanks to you both - that's very helpful indeed - shall instantly proceed to rewrite and post it.

[elementalv.livejournal.com]

I just rechecked, and my count is off. No biggie, if you drop the "I'm" from the start of Willow's response.

[ffutures.livejournal.com]

Don't worry, I noticed - made some other changes anyway, and I always do a full check on Drabbles before posting.

[elementalv.livejournal.com]

Glad to hear it. BTW, your revision works extremely well.

[houses7177.livejournal.com]

nothing new to add, but damn that's an amusing idea. [giggle]