Drabble: Hiding Place

[ffutures]

Just a silly idea that crossed my mind - BtVS / Stephanie Plum

Now re-edited and posted: http://www.tthfanfic.com/story.php?no=5989

Hiding Place

By Marcus L. Rowland

"And this is why my cars blow up?"

"Afraid so," said Willow, "Didn't you notice he wasn't getting older?"

I stared at Rex. How old was he? Eight? Ten?

"Hamsters usually live about two years."

"I can't believe I never realised."

"Part of the spell," said Willow. "Once he's gone things should be more normal."

"Gone? I thought he was possessed."

"Nope. Haven't you read your Harry Potter? The guy who hides out as a rat?"

"He's a wizard?"

"Chaos mage. Disguised himself, couldn't turn back, amused himself wrecking your life." Willow picked up the cage. "Time to go, Ethan..."

---

Not 100% happy with it, any suggestions?

Comments

[empressvesica.livejournal.com]

Very nicely done.

The only place that read at all awkwardly to me were these two lines:

"Hamsters usually live about two years."

"I can't believe I never realised."

Um - I am trying to think how to explain why those lines aren't sitting right. With drabbles being so short and needing to be so tight, those two lines jump out as not containing much information. The second especially sort of feels like a throwaway line, but I am not terribly familiar with Stephanie Plum so...

If the bit about two years and the 'ugh - why didn't I notice that' were collapsed it might read smoother. Of course then you would have more words to add somewhere else which is a always a headache.

*shrugs* Or you could leave it as is. Anything with the idea of Ethan stuck as a rodent is hysterical.

[elementalv.livejournal.com]

Maybe it's just the word "realized." Perhaps "noticed" would give the exchange a better feel?