![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ffuturesHoping that I will be less blocked and get more written if I have more than one story on the go, I've decided to start posting another.
This is a crossover between the Harry Potter books, the Buffy The Vampire Slayer TV series, and the film Bedazzled (1967, not the 2000 remake). Some other crossovers and easter eggs are likely. All characters belong to their respective creators / owners / megacorporations of doom and not to me, please don't sue...
Harry Potter: Undazzled
I - A Wish Too Far
"You're Monsieur Potter, aren't you? Looking forward to tomorrow?"
Harry Potter looked up to see an older girl in a Bauxbatons uniform, probably one of the contingent for the Triwizard Tournament, sitting at the next table in the library and reading Tobin's Spirit Guide. She looked a little like an older version of Hermione, her hair in chaotic ringlets. He couldn't remember having seen her before, but he really hadn't been paying much attention to anyone from the other schools apart from the actual champions.
"You another one that thinks I deliberately entered?"
"How would I know? Your Daily Prophet says you did, who am I to call zem a liar?"
"Someone with common sense? Why would someone my age want to enter this nightmare?"
"Well, eet will all be ovair tomorrow. Making plans for spending ze money if you win?"
"Sod winning, I'll be happy if I survive."
She looked at him appraisingly, and said "Maybe... let's say I believed you, what do you wish will happen?"
"Me? I just wish my name had never come out of the goblet!"
"Huh. Boring... but Wish Granted." Her face shifted as she spoke, and she looked like most of her skin had vanished, revealing the tendons underneath. Harry scrambled for his wand, then realized that she wasn't actually doing anything to harm him.
"That's odd," she said, her accent suddenly sounding British.
"Your face..."
"Just a moment..." She seemed to concentrate for a second, and her features reverted to their original form.
"What was that?" asked Harry.
"Something going wrong. I should have granted your wish, I can tell it didn't work."
"Who are you?"
"Halfrek. I provide justice for neglected and abused children, and you qualify."
"I think the question I should have asked is 'What are you?'"
"Do try to keep up. I'm a Justice Demon, of course."
Harry backed away from her, saying "Merlin's balls!"
"There's no need to be crude. Or loud, especially in a library. Believe it or not, I'm trying to help you."
"And you're a demon? Trying to help me?"
"Yes. My job is to help children, usually by punishing those who harm them. You benefit from my help, and I get to grind your oppressors under my heel, it's a win/win situation."
"Except for the oppressors."
"Do you care? Would you object if something horrible happened to your ridiculous 'Dark Lord'?" She mimed the quotes.
"When you put it that way..."
"I'm going to have to summon my boss, Lord D'Hoffryn, he should be able to fix things for you. Is there somewhere private?"
"Let me get this right. You've just told me you're a demon, now you want to be alone with me somewhere private to summon a demon lord. Why would I agree to that?"
"Because I may be able to save your ungrateful arse from this idiocy."
"Would you mind if I got a couple of friends."
"My lord would not tolerate it. The wish must come from you, and from you alone. And the only advice I can give you is to keep it simple, he hates rules lawyers. Be forthright, but polite."
"What about the wish I tried to make?"
"Too open-ended. Tampering with time is always a bad idea, and my lord might have decided that the best way to resolve it was for you to have never been born, or never been a wizard. It isn't likely, but it could happen. Always assuming that we can fix things so that wishes actually work on you, of course."
"I really don't like this."
"If it will help you feel safer, you can carry my wand." She slowly pulled it from a wrist holster and put it onto the table, pointing away from Harry.
Harry cautiously picked it up, feeling the usual faint buzz of magic that wasn't his to control, tucked it into his belt, and said "There are some unused classrooms on the third floor."
"Let's go, then."
"What happens if someone tries to follow us?"
"They won't. One of the perks of the job, we aren't noticed unless we need to be."
Harry led her through the corridors and up to the third floor corridor that had once housed Fluffy the cerebus, noticing that nobody they passed seemed to be paying them any attention, and wondering what would happen if they ran into one of his friends or enemies. It didn't happen.
In his second year he'd explored and found the corridor restored, with several small classrooms. One of them had a good view over the lake and a large portrait of a wizened old wizard working with medieval-looking glass retorts and strange glowing liquids, who always seemed to make a point of turning his back on Harry and anyone else who entered. Harry had an idea that the room had once been used to teach alchemy.
"This ought to do," said Harry.
"Just a moment," said Halfreck, and snapped her fingers. Curtains appeared and covered the portrait.
"Do you actually need a wand?"
"Not as a rule, but it sometimes makes things easier. Now sit down out of the way, I need to concentrate."
She kneeled, lowering her head and raising her arms, and said "Lord D'Hoffryn, hear my plea."
Nothing happened for a minute or so, then Harry felt a faint tingle, like static electricity, and the room seemed to darken. There was a crackle like summer lightning and a smell of ozone, and a glowing figure appeared, at first blindingly bright. As the light died down Harry saw him clearly - a tall humanoid figure, dressed in a simple coarse-woven robe like a wizard, with purple-tinged skin with a pattern of large spots, a bald wrinkled head, bat-like ears, four horns, and a long beard and equally long drooping moustache. He looked around the room for a moment, then focused on Halfrek and said "Well? Get up and tell me what you want, I don't have all day." He sounded peeved, and for some reason Harry felt a little less tense.
Halfrek stood, and gestured for Harry to come forward. "My lord, there is a problem with this boy. He made a wish and nothing happened."
"Hmmm.... Name?"
"Harry Potter, sir," said Harry
"Why do I know that name?"
"He's moderately famous in the wand-waving magical community."
"Oh joy." Harry realised why he was less frightened; D'Hoffryn reminded him of Snape. The same attitudes; impatience, sarcasm, and air of being deeply put-upon. "What wish did you make?"
"Someone entered my name into a tournament that's likely to kill me, and somehow made sure that I would have to be one of the contestants. I wished that it hadn't happened."
"What were his precise words?"
"I asked him what he wished would happen," said Halfrek, "and he said 'I just wish my name had never come out of the goblet!'"
D'Hoffryn stroked his beard. "That's reasonably unambiguous. Hmm..." He raised a long-fingered hand with taloned nails and it glowed with flashes of purple light. "Hah! I thought so. He's already the subject of another wish; one of his parents, I think. Until that wish is cancelled or completed he can't be the subject of another."
"May I check the records?"
"No point, it isn't one of ours."
"If it helps at all," said Harry, "I think it was probably my mother that made the wish. I've been told that something she did is protecting me from Voldemort, the wizard that wants to kill me."
"It's possible, I suppose," said D'Hoffryn, "there were a lot of wishes concerning him in the seventies, as I recall. So many that they tended to cancel each other out."
"Most people are scared to say the name. It's made up anyway, he's really called Tom Riddle."
"Tom Marvolo Riddle?" asked Halfrek.
"That's right, how did you know?"
"One of your clients?" asked D'Hoffryn.
"He was being bullied, and wished that his bullies would learn to fear him. As I recall, he succeeded, all of the other children in the orphanage were terrified of him. That's where it should have ended, but if he came to enjoy their fear..."
Riddle was supposedly a pure-blood, how did he end up in an orphanage? Harry thought of asking, then remembered something more important. "Excuse me, my lord. You said that my parents made a wish with someone else? Could we ask them?"
D'Hoffryn stroked his beard and said "I don't see why not. Halfrek, take him to London and see to it. And Mister Potter... be very careful." He vanished with another crackle of lightning, leaving Harry and Halfrek, who looked furious.
"Is there something wrong?"
"London... why did it have to be London?" She shook her head, then added. "Not really your fault, I suppose. Come on, then. Take my hand, and we'll be off."
"To London? We'll look a bit odd dressed like wizards, unless we're going to Diagon Alley."
She clicked her fingers, and he was suddenly wearing skinny jeans, a black T-shirt, a denim jacket and Doc Martens, all of them fitting perfectly. Her own clothing shifted to a summer dress, leather jacket, handbag and high-heeled boots. "Come on, with a bit of luck we can sort this out today if we hurry. Now hold my hand, and walk forwards on the count of three."
She held out her right hand, and Harry touched his right hand to his wand, now concealed by the jacket, and took her hand in his left.
"One... two... and three!" They stepped forward together, and suddenly they were standing on a sunlit street. Harry looked up, and could see the BT Tower in the distance, looming over nearer office buildings and shops.
"Let's get moving," said Halfrek, releasing his hand. "We need to get to Soho, it's about a fifteen minute walk from here."
"Couldn't you get closer?"
"Not safely, no. We're not that far from the Alley and the Ministry of Magic. We might have attracted official attention if I'd taken us much closer. Or Death Eaters if we were really unlucky." She turned away from the Post Office Tower and gestured towards a tall office block, about half a mile away, which looked vaguely familiar. Harry thought it wasn't far from Diagon Alley. "Head south towards Centre Point, but turn right into Goodge Street when we get there."
Fifteen minutes later they were walking down a seedy-looking street lined with bars and strip clubs, whose bouncers glared at them or leered at Halfrek as they passed. "Watch out for the Rendezvous Club, it should be ahead on the right."
"Should be?"
"It's been moved a couple of times. Right, there it is." She pointed to a flickering yellow sign with multi-coloured lettering, pointing to stairs leading down to a basement entrance below a Chinese restaurant.
"Rendezvous Club, Proprietor George Spiggot?"
"That's the one."
"Who's George Spiggot?"
"You'll find out. Down we go."
He followed her down rickety steel stairs to the entrance, a strong-looking metal door with a small opening at eye height, covered by a metal plate. Halfreck reached into her bag, got out a brass knuckle-duster and slipped it onto her hand, then rapped on the door. There was no reply.
"Aren't those illegal?"
"What part of not being noticed are you having problems with? Nobody's going to call the police." She rapped again, and the door seemed to shake slightly. Abruptly it was pulled open.
Standing in the opening, and filling it to the full height of the door, was a scowling man who looked like an older, angrier and more muscular version of Dudley Dursley, wearing a leather jacket opened to reveal a T-shirt with the logo "Make War, Not Love" over a crude drawing of a mushroom cloud. Halfrek punched him in the stomach and said "Hello, Reg."
"What do you want, bitch?"
"Need to see your boss."
"Piss off."
She hit him again, much harder. "Now, Reg."
"Now that's much more like it," said Reg. "You can come in, but the kid stays out here."
"Can't do that," said Halfrek, "he's my client."
"Bollocks."
Halfreck punched him again, much lower, and Harry winced as Reg doubled up and fell onto the floor. "You didn't have to take it literally."
"Don't worry, he enjoys it. Still through here, Reg?"
"Eff off."
"Nice talking to you too, Reg."
Halrek led him through a dingy bar to a door marked 'G. Spiggot', taking off the knuckle-duster, and rapped twice. A man's voice said "This had better be important, Reg."
"Reg had to lie down for a bit," said Halfrek, opening the door, "so we let ourselves in."
Harry followed her, seeing a cluttered office with filing cabinets, several boxes of wine bottles, and a tall thin man in a business suit who was getting to his feet behind a desk. "Halfrek? Slumming, are we? And who's the kid?"
"One of yours," said Halfrek, "looks like you granted a wish to one of his parents, and it's stopping me from solving his problems. George, this is Harry Potter. Harry, George; George, Harry."
"Never heard of you," said George.
"Same here," said Harry.
"He's better known as Lucifer," added Halfrek.
"Shit!" Harry grabbed for his wand. As he pulled it from his sleeve it turned into a dangerous-looking black snake.
"Ten out of ten for reflexes, said Lucifer, "but zero for common sense."
Staring at the snake, which was opening its mouth revealing long sharp fangs, Harry said "You really don't want to bite me."
"Parseltongue?" said Lucifer. "Maybe we do have a few things to talk about. Don't bite him yet." Switching back to English, he added "Now put her down on my desk and we'll talk."
TBC
Notes: I've moved the Rendezvous Club a few miles because the semi-derelict location used for the film was demolished and had been replaced with flats by 1972. For those only familiar with the 2000 remake of Bedazzled, Spiggot/Lucifer was played by the late great British comedian and satirist, Peter Cook.
Update - now posted with minor changes
On Twisting the Hellmouth - https://www.tthfanfic.org/Story-34251/MarcusRowland+Harry+Potter+Undazzled.htm
On Fanfiction.net - https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14336114/1/Harry-Potter-Undazzled
On Archive of Our Own - https://archiveofourown.org/works/54407350
This is a crossover between the Harry Potter books, the Buffy The Vampire Slayer TV series, and the film Bedazzled (1967, not the 2000 remake). Some other crossovers and easter eggs are likely. All characters belong to their respective creators / owners / megacorporations of doom and not to me, please don't sue...
Harry Potter: Undazzled
I - A Wish Too Far
"You're Monsieur Potter, aren't you? Looking forward to tomorrow?"
Harry Potter looked up to see an older girl in a Bauxbatons uniform, probably one of the contingent for the Triwizard Tournament, sitting at the next table in the library and reading Tobin's Spirit Guide. She looked a little like an older version of Hermione, her hair in chaotic ringlets. He couldn't remember having seen her before, but he really hadn't been paying much attention to anyone from the other schools apart from the actual champions.
"You another one that thinks I deliberately entered?"
"How would I know? Your Daily Prophet says you did, who am I to call zem a liar?"
"Someone with common sense? Why would someone my age want to enter this nightmare?"
"Well, eet will all be ovair tomorrow. Making plans for spending ze money if you win?"
"Sod winning, I'll be happy if I survive."
She looked at him appraisingly, and said "Maybe... let's say I believed you, what do you wish will happen?"
"Me? I just wish my name had never come out of the goblet!"
"Huh. Boring... but Wish Granted." Her face shifted as she spoke, and she looked like most of her skin had vanished, revealing the tendons underneath. Harry scrambled for his wand, then realized that she wasn't actually doing anything to harm him.
"That's odd," she said, her accent suddenly sounding British.
"Your face..."
"Just a moment..." She seemed to concentrate for a second, and her features reverted to their original form.
"What was that?" asked Harry.
"Something going wrong. I should have granted your wish, I can tell it didn't work."
"Who are you?"
"Halfrek. I provide justice for neglected and abused children, and you qualify."
"I think the question I should have asked is 'What are you?'"
"Do try to keep up. I'm a Justice Demon, of course."
Harry backed away from her, saying "Merlin's balls!"
"There's no need to be crude. Or loud, especially in a library. Believe it or not, I'm trying to help you."
"And you're a demon? Trying to help me?"
"Yes. My job is to help children, usually by punishing those who harm them. You benefit from my help, and I get to grind your oppressors under my heel, it's a win/win situation."
"Except for the oppressors."
"Do you care? Would you object if something horrible happened to your ridiculous 'Dark Lord'?" She mimed the quotes.
"When you put it that way..."
"I'm going to have to summon my boss, Lord D'Hoffryn, he should be able to fix things for you. Is there somewhere private?"
"Let me get this right. You've just told me you're a demon, now you want to be alone with me somewhere private to summon a demon lord. Why would I agree to that?"
"Because I may be able to save your ungrateful arse from this idiocy."
"Would you mind if I got a couple of friends."
"My lord would not tolerate it. The wish must come from you, and from you alone. And the only advice I can give you is to keep it simple, he hates rules lawyers. Be forthright, but polite."
"What about the wish I tried to make?"
"Too open-ended. Tampering with time is always a bad idea, and my lord might have decided that the best way to resolve it was for you to have never been born, or never been a wizard. It isn't likely, but it could happen. Always assuming that we can fix things so that wishes actually work on you, of course."
"I really don't like this."
"If it will help you feel safer, you can carry my wand." She slowly pulled it from a wrist holster and put it onto the table, pointing away from Harry.
Harry cautiously picked it up, feeling the usual faint buzz of magic that wasn't his to control, tucked it into his belt, and said "There are some unused classrooms on the third floor."
"Let's go, then."
"What happens if someone tries to follow us?"
"They won't. One of the perks of the job, we aren't noticed unless we need to be."
Harry led her through the corridors and up to the third floor corridor that had once housed Fluffy the cerebus, noticing that nobody they passed seemed to be paying them any attention, and wondering what would happen if they ran into one of his friends or enemies. It didn't happen.
In his second year he'd explored and found the corridor restored, with several small classrooms. One of them had a good view over the lake and a large portrait of a wizened old wizard working with medieval-looking glass retorts and strange glowing liquids, who always seemed to make a point of turning his back on Harry and anyone else who entered. Harry had an idea that the room had once been used to teach alchemy.
"This ought to do," said Harry.
"Just a moment," said Halfreck, and snapped her fingers. Curtains appeared and covered the portrait.
"Do you actually need a wand?"
"Not as a rule, but it sometimes makes things easier. Now sit down out of the way, I need to concentrate."
She kneeled, lowering her head and raising her arms, and said "Lord D'Hoffryn, hear my plea."
Nothing happened for a minute or so, then Harry felt a faint tingle, like static electricity, and the room seemed to darken. There was a crackle like summer lightning and a smell of ozone, and a glowing figure appeared, at first blindingly bright. As the light died down Harry saw him clearly - a tall humanoid figure, dressed in a simple coarse-woven robe like a wizard, with purple-tinged skin with a pattern of large spots, a bald wrinkled head, bat-like ears, four horns, and a long beard and equally long drooping moustache. He looked around the room for a moment, then focused on Halfrek and said "Well? Get up and tell me what you want, I don't have all day." He sounded peeved, and for some reason Harry felt a little less tense.
Halfrek stood, and gestured for Harry to come forward. "My lord, there is a problem with this boy. He made a wish and nothing happened."
"Hmmm.... Name?"
"Harry Potter, sir," said Harry
"Why do I know that name?"
"He's moderately famous in the wand-waving magical community."
"Oh joy." Harry realised why he was less frightened; D'Hoffryn reminded him of Snape. The same attitudes; impatience, sarcasm, and air of being deeply put-upon. "What wish did you make?"
"Someone entered my name into a tournament that's likely to kill me, and somehow made sure that I would have to be one of the contestants. I wished that it hadn't happened."
"What were his precise words?"
"I asked him what he wished would happen," said Halfrek, "and he said 'I just wish my name had never come out of the goblet!'"
D'Hoffryn stroked his beard. "That's reasonably unambiguous. Hmm..." He raised a long-fingered hand with taloned nails and it glowed with flashes of purple light. "Hah! I thought so. He's already the subject of another wish; one of his parents, I think. Until that wish is cancelled or completed he can't be the subject of another."
"May I check the records?"
"No point, it isn't one of ours."
"If it helps at all," said Harry, "I think it was probably my mother that made the wish. I've been told that something she did is protecting me from Voldemort, the wizard that wants to kill me."
"It's possible, I suppose," said D'Hoffryn, "there were a lot of wishes concerning him in the seventies, as I recall. So many that they tended to cancel each other out."
"Most people are scared to say the name. It's made up anyway, he's really called Tom Riddle."
"Tom Marvolo Riddle?" asked Halfrek.
"That's right, how did you know?"
"One of your clients?" asked D'Hoffryn.
"He was being bullied, and wished that his bullies would learn to fear him. As I recall, he succeeded, all of the other children in the orphanage were terrified of him. That's where it should have ended, but if he came to enjoy their fear..."
Riddle was supposedly a pure-blood, how did he end up in an orphanage? Harry thought of asking, then remembered something more important. "Excuse me, my lord. You said that my parents made a wish with someone else? Could we ask them?"
D'Hoffryn stroked his beard and said "I don't see why not. Halfrek, take him to London and see to it. And Mister Potter... be very careful." He vanished with another crackle of lightning, leaving Harry and Halfrek, who looked furious.
"Is there something wrong?"
"London... why did it have to be London?" She shook her head, then added. "Not really your fault, I suppose. Come on, then. Take my hand, and we'll be off."
"To London? We'll look a bit odd dressed like wizards, unless we're going to Diagon Alley."
She clicked her fingers, and he was suddenly wearing skinny jeans, a black T-shirt, a denim jacket and Doc Martens, all of them fitting perfectly. Her own clothing shifted to a summer dress, leather jacket, handbag and high-heeled boots. "Come on, with a bit of luck we can sort this out today if we hurry. Now hold my hand, and walk forwards on the count of three."
She held out her right hand, and Harry touched his right hand to his wand, now concealed by the jacket, and took her hand in his left.
"One... two... and three!" They stepped forward together, and suddenly they were standing on a sunlit street. Harry looked up, and could see the BT Tower in the distance, looming over nearer office buildings and shops.
"Let's get moving," said Halfrek, releasing his hand. "We need to get to Soho, it's about a fifteen minute walk from here."
"Couldn't you get closer?"
"Not safely, no. We're not that far from the Alley and the Ministry of Magic. We might have attracted official attention if I'd taken us much closer. Or Death Eaters if we were really unlucky." She turned away from the Post Office Tower and gestured towards a tall office block, about half a mile away, which looked vaguely familiar. Harry thought it wasn't far from Diagon Alley. "Head south towards Centre Point, but turn right into Goodge Street when we get there."
Fifteen minutes later they were walking down a seedy-looking street lined with bars and strip clubs, whose bouncers glared at them or leered at Halfrek as they passed. "Watch out for the Rendezvous Club, it should be ahead on the right."
"Should be?"
"It's been moved a couple of times. Right, there it is." She pointed to a flickering yellow sign with multi-coloured lettering, pointing to stairs leading down to a basement entrance below a Chinese restaurant.
"Rendezvous Club, Proprietor George Spiggot?"
"That's the one."
"Who's George Spiggot?"
"You'll find out. Down we go."
He followed her down rickety steel stairs to the entrance, a strong-looking metal door with a small opening at eye height, covered by a metal plate. Halfreck reached into her bag, got out a brass knuckle-duster and slipped it onto her hand, then rapped on the door. There was no reply.
"Aren't those illegal?"
"What part of not being noticed are you having problems with? Nobody's going to call the police." She rapped again, and the door seemed to shake slightly. Abruptly it was pulled open.
Standing in the opening, and filling it to the full height of the door, was a scowling man who looked like an older, angrier and more muscular version of Dudley Dursley, wearing a leather jacket opened to reveal a T-shirt with the logo "Make War, Not Love" over a crude drawing of a mushroom cloud. Halfrek punched him in the stomach and said "Hello, Reg."
"What do you want, bitch?"
"Need to see your boss."
"Piss off."
She hit him again, much harder. "Now, Reg."
"Now that's much more like it," said Reg. "You can come in, but the kid stays out here."
"Can't do that," said Halfrek, "he's my client."
"Bollocks."
Halfreck punched him again, much lower, and Harry winced as Reg doubled up and fell onto the floor. "You didn't have to take it literally."
"Don't worry, he enjoys it. Still through here, Reg?"
"Eff off."
"Nice talking to you too, Reg."
Halrek led him through a dingy bar to a door marked 'G. Spiggot', taking off the knuckle-duster, and rapped twice. A man's voice said "This had better be important, Reg."
"Reg had to lie down for a bit," said Halfrek, opening the door, "so we let ourselves in."
Harry followed her, seeing a cluttered office with filing cabinets, several boxes of wine bottles, and a tall thin man in a business suit who was getting to his feet behind a desk. "Halfrek? Slumming, are we? And who's the kid?"
"One of yours," said Halfrek, "looks like you granted a wish to one of his parents, and it's stopping me from solving his problems. George, this is Harry Potter. Harry, George; George, Harry."
"Never heard of you," said George.
"Same here," said Harry.
"He's better known as Lucifer," added Halfrek.
"Shit!" Harry grabbed for his wand. As he pulled it from his sleeve it turned into a dangerous-looking black snake.
"Ten out of ten for reflexes, said Lucifer, "but zero for common sense."
Staring at the snake, which was opening its mouth revealing long sharp fangs, Harry said "You really don't want to bite me."
"Parseltongue?" said Lucifer. "Maybe we do have a few things to talk about. Don't bite him yet." Switching back to English, he added "Now put her down on my desk and we'll talk."
TBC
Notes: I've moved the Rendezvous Club a few miles because the semi-derelict location used for the film was demolished and had been replaced with flats by 1972. For those only familiar with the 2000 remake of Bedazzled, Spiggot/Lucifer was played by the late great British comedian and satirist, Peter Cook.
Update - now posted with minor changes
On Twisting the Hellmouth - https://www.tthfanfic.org/Story-34251/MarcusRowland+Harry+Potter+Undazzled.htm
On Fanfiction.net - https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14336114/1/Harry-Potter-Undazzled
On Archive of Our Own - https://archiveofourown.org/works/54407350
no subject
Date: 2024-03-10 11:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-03-11 10:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-03-11 12:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-03-11 10:55 am (UTC)